Cosmo Bride Don't Know Shit About Bikes

So I'm staggering through my local stupormarket and stumble across the magazine section. Oh look, a wedding magazine, with the happy couple draped fashionably across a classic vintage mixte, or somesuch bollocks. "Hmm," I wonder, "is this going to be some kind of mainstream appropriation of the headline-grabbing hippy bike wedding nonsense, or are they going to fuck it up?


Hmm, that's a pretty shitty paint job on the ... brake? Oh, hell no!



It's a motherfucking Ghost Bike. Ghost bikes are "small and somber memorials for bicyclists who are killed or hit on the street. A bicycle is painted all white and locked to a street sign near the crash site, accompanied by a small plaque." They are unfortunately contentious for a number of reasons: they may help reinforce the notion that cycling is more dangerous than other modes of transport, and/or not being active at all; they may interfere with the family's or loved one's ability to mourn privately and eventually heal; they are more of a political statement than a true memorial; and, prosaically, a denial of a parking space for a living cyclist. To date, 7 cyclists have died in Victoria this year, pedestrians, 39, motorcyclists, 47, drivers and passengers, 177. All the world's a stage, but the road is a sadist's canvas.

Now let's find out about the lucky couple, and their emotional connection to the humble velo.



"Hayden built a rotary for him and his groomsmen to arrive in." For 30K. Omg he totes built that car for the wedding so romantick <3 <3 <3

And the bride? Did she teeter and totter to the altar, and did she have to wear a helmet?



Did she fuck.

I'd be surprised if they didn't make it official by bottling a cyclist on the way home. Mazeltov!

Playing Devil's Advocate for the moment -- perhaps one of them had a friend or family member lost to a cycling fatality. If they found time for Dr Seuss in the ceremony, surely they would have mentioned something like that. More likely, the POS bike kicking around at Rippon Lea got rattle-canned by the photographer's assistant when they realised it clashed with Natasha's organza, which I hope, incidentally, that Hayden managed to summon later that evening. Wacky-boing etc.



COME AND HAEMORRHAGE MONEY LIKE A CYCLIST ON YOUR BONNET PISSES BLOOD

From "Oh, the Places You'll Go":

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

In all srsns, I wish Natasha and Hayden a long and fruitful marriage -- and hope their kids get bikes for Christmas. But Cosmo Bride? I didn't see them cruisin' nowhere on page 174.